Divorce in Orange County; Prevent Divorce

Written by Joni Ravenna

Orange County has one of the highest divorce rates in the United States. Approximately 70 to 72 percent of the county’s first-time marriages go bust—the national average is 50 percent. Apparently great weather, a gorgeous coastline and seemingly ubiquitous opulence don’t guarantee marital bliss. In fact, it may be quite the contrary.

“OC is a bubble,” says Deborah Standley, CEO of CFL Mediation Practice, which provides an alternative to litigated divorce. “They marry for many different reasons here. Money is a big one.” And if moola is a motivating factor in the union, so it remains a factor to the instigator of a well-timed dissolution, according to Standley.

“If a couple stays married for ten years in California and there’s no pre-nuptial agreement in place, the spouse is entitled to half of everything,” she says. Kobe and Vanessa Bryant are a perfect example. While his undisputed infidelity made headline news and rumor has it that the couple had been separated for a while, when Vanessa filed for divorce this past December, it marked ten years since their wedding in 2001.

They say timing is everything. So, if the timing for an article about divorce seems unusual for a Valentine’s issue consider this, OC divorce rates exceed those of even Los Angeles County. We enjoy watching celebrity couples tie the knot the way we watch Criss Angel perform a rope trick. But marriage is no trick. It’s time for Parenting OC readers to get serious about ensuring their knots hold, especially during one of the most challenging times in recent history.

“The recession has been a lightning rod for OC marriages,” says Dr. Kathy Nickerson, a clinical psychologist in Irvine, CA specializing in marriage counseling and couples counseling. “It’s putting a lot of stress on marriages but I’ve seen equal amounts of marriages dissolve as decide to recommit. They’re seeing that it’s not all about money or keeping up with the Jones’.”

As half a married couple, I found this assignment particularly intriguing. My husband and I had the odds stacked against us. He was Jewish and I’m Catholic. He was divorced with a son and I was nearly 12 years younger and didn’t even own a dog. Even our wedding guests were placing wagers on how long the marriage would last, which probably explains some of the crappy gifts.

Twenty-two years and two beautiful daughters later, we remain happily hitched. Still, my motto is “you never can be too sure.” So, while I may have my ideas about what makes a marriage last, I was curious to get some expert advice.

Sex Isn’t Everything It’s The Only Thing

But not exactly for the reasons you might think. Sex is the glue that holds a relationship together because of the chemicals that are released in the body during intimacy, true. But physical intimacy can be established through cuddling and other acts of love. When lovers are naked to one another both metaphorically and literally, there’s no room for anything or anyone to come between them. It’s the fundamental reaffirmation we all seek. We want to know and feel we are loved. “Most people choose to have an affair because they’re not feeling loved and because they’re feeling unimportant,” says Dr. Nickerson, “They have an affair because they want to feel loved again, not because they want great sex.”

In the age of Facebook where there is no need to wait for a class reunion to reconnect with an old flame and Internet sites like Ashley Madison guarantee, no-hassle extra-marital affairs, it’s even more important to make sure your spouse is feeling loved. As for how much sex, quality trumps quantity according to the experts.

“Sex twice a week is more than healthy for a couple with children and careers,” says Standley. I asked her if two times a week is the norm, her voice insinuating that many busy parents are lucky if they find time and energy to be amorous more than that. And when I inquired if she believes it’s harder to make a marriage last today as opposed to say 25 years ago, her answer is unequivocal. “It’s too easy to get out of a marriage. People are too quick to give up, particularly in California, a no-blame state, where there’s no level playing field as to cause.

So provided you’re not Charlie Sheen or Tiger Woods, remember sex outside the marriage is seldom just about sex.

It’s Not How Little You Argue, It’s How Well

Passionate sparring is not only natural in a marriage, it’s healthy. But you have to fight fairly and gently according to Standley and Nickerson. “One of the best things to ask yourself during an argument is do you want to be right or do you want to be loved. There’s no judge sitting there scoring,” says Nickerson. Translation, don’t try so hard to prove your point. Listen more than you talk.

“Listening is everything,” said Merryl Streep in an interview about her long and healthy marriage to husband Don Gummer, the couple famously bucking celebrity couple trends. “Goodwill and a willingness to bend and to shut up every once in a while,” is the acclaimed actress and mother of four’s advice. Pick and choose your arguments, but don’t hold back when your opinions differ from your mates. Nobody wants to be married to a clone anymore than they want to be married to a doormat say our experts.

Intellectual and Sexual Compatability

Intellectual compatibility is sexy. “You want someone who is intellectually challenging,” said Standley. Ironically, contrary to popular OC opinion “A guy doesn’t really just want a pretty face.”

Ample research has been conducted on compatible intelligence as a predictor of a lasting marriage. It has been found that a 10 point difference in I.Q. can be a strong predictor of divorce. The fact that women are becoming more educated and a greater percentage of the workforce makes them a more interesting partner according to both women.

Another indicator of intellectual compatibility is shared laughter. One prominent Orange County couple married for twenty years and whom my husband and I have had the pleasure of calling friends, seem to grow more in love with time. Despite living in the divorce capital of the world they’ve lasted largely because they like to laugh.

My close friends John and Anne Wortmann are an excellent example of a happy couple. They are the parents of two children and they live by a simple creed. Have Fun. They have tons of friends and a lot of fun. It may sound painfully obvious but it is important to keep the quotient of good times to bad at a ratio of high to low. Then it will become only natural that your better half will want to stick around.

Avoid The Seven Year Itch

It would be a lie to say that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore divorced because Ashton wasn’t feeling loved. Same thing goes for Jesse James and Sandra Bullock. Sometimes there will be sex outside the marriage because it’s exciting and readily available. And it would appear that a relationship is most vulnerable to the interloper around the seven-year mark.

Demi and Ashton began dating in 2003, married in 2005, and divorced in 2011. Sandra and Jesse began dating in 2003, married in 2005 and divorced in 2010. How to avoid the seven-year itch? Reinforce the rules above. Pay attention to physical intimacy and remain intellectually stimulating to each other not just by maintaining your own interests but also by finding joint projects you can nurture together, especially once the children are grown. And fight fairly.

Though both of the above-mentioned celebrity unions ultimately ended, each still lasted a lot longer than coming attractions seemed to indicate. But it is a lesson to all of us to pay attention at certain times during the marriage. Just as one can file bankruptcy, writing-off all financial commitments once every seven years, it seems many spouses are tempted to write-off their commitments of fidelity at approximately the same intervals.

“Having an affair is like detonating a nuclear bomb on your relationship,” says Nickerson. So unless you’re looking to blow up your marriage, don’t give into the seven-year itch and make sure that your spouse is feeling both loved and at times intellectually challenged so that he/she doesn’t give-in either.

My friends John and Anne Whortmann say, “Try everyday to do something, no matter how small, to make your spouse’s day easier and more fulfilling.”

It Doesn’t Have To Mean The End

Almost 75 percent of the couples that walk through Nickerson’s door are dealing with affair recovery and she claims a 95 percent success rate in helping them to move beyond the affair, as long as it’s a first-time occurrence. “When it’s a second affair or a habitual pattern, the rate is much, much lower,” says Nickerson.

According to Nickerson the first order of business is to re-establish trust by having the offending spouse give the innocent spouse access to all emails, private passwords, facebook messages and voice mails. “You feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. You don’t know who to trust or what’s real,” she says. “The offending spouse has to make the innocent spouse certain there are no more secrets before they can rebuild the marriage.” They also have to start from ground zero realizing that the old relationship is dead and that things will never be the same according to Nickerson.

But what if it is the end? What if you’ve gone to counseling and tried everything to make it work but each road is a dead-end? “Don’t stay in it for the children’s sake. We learn how relationships are supposed to be by watching our parents. If you stay in an unhealthy marriage for the kids sake you’re dooming them to do the same,” says Nickerson

Keep in mind that if divorce is the only option, the process of Mediation is much kinder on the family and kept private. New laws recently passed have changed the privacy of divorce proceedings – they are now public, available to anyone online, whereas mediation remains confidential. Another benefit is the price tag.

“The average OC litigated divorce costs $100,000 ($50K per attorney),” says Standley. Mediation is a much less expensive proposition and one that looks to divorce as the last option she says.

“In my organization we don’t immediately say ‘Ok, here’s the form. We first show them all the downsides to divorce and put them in contact with our MFT (marriage and family therapist).” However, most couples have given it a lot of thought and know what they want by the time they walk through her door, according to Standley.

So whether you’re at the end of a marriage or just starting out, whether you’ve got everything going for you heading into it or have the odds stacked against you, remember that marriage is an institution and like all institutions it has its rules. Try not to break them and the bond won’t just stay intact, it will strengthen along the way.

For More Information:

www.drkathynickerson.com
www.cflmediations.com

Date Night On A Dime

By Jessica G. Fisher

Pocketbooks have definitely been squeezed in recent months. Our economic boom of recent years has bottomed out. As a result, smart families are increasingly looking for ways to economize, limiting luxuries and avoiding unnecessary purchases. Many a parent may think that this means eliminating a night out on the town. Yet a strained economic system doesn’t mean that you need to forego all fun. In fact, while times are tight, parents need a special evening together all the more in order to decompress, rejuvenate the spirit, and reconnect as a couple.

The following are ideas for inexpensive entertainments that are high on fun and low on price. Consider swapping babysitting with friends in order to secure cost-free child care. It may not be caviar and champagne, but you and your honey can still swing a date night – on a dime. So grab your adventurous spirit and let the good times roll.

Explore Now that restaurants and dinner shows may be a little outside the budget, the great outdoors is just beckoning you to take a stroll at your favorite park, lake or waterfront. Investigate the hiking and biking trails near you. While a big bouquet of flowers may be beyond your means, a picnic dinner at the botanical gardens is not. Explore the great outdoors and enjoy creation better than man could have made.

Find a Freebie Visit your city’s website to learn about free upcoming events. Concerts in the park are ubiquitous throughout spring and summer. Museums occasionally offer free admission days. A visit to your local farmer’s market or swap meet with a limited amount of spending money can be a pleasant amusement. Sample the different products and enjoy the atmosphere. Free events may stretch your imagination and you’ll find that dueling banjos are entertaining after all.

Take a Ride If gas prices allow, take a drive down a scenic route in your own vehicle. The quiet, kid-free, interruption-free time will allow great conversation. Or give public transportation a whirl. Pack some snacks and take a train, trolley or ferry ride. Explore the city you live in and see all there is to see – without paying an entrance fee.

Book It Bookstores offer a wealth of date night options. Check the calendar to see what special events they are hosting. Usually these are free. Otherwise, grab a cup of coffee and a few interesting new releases. Find a pair of chairs and browse your selections together. Better yet, find a book you’re both interested in, like a coffee table book of Florence and turn the pages together.

Focus On Cheap, But Good Eats Dining doesn’t have to be elegant or expensive to be enjoyable. Visit your favorite diners and dives to see how low you can go in terms of price. Even fast food can be fun when you’re with the right person. A buck fifty will buy you a kosher hot dog and a soda at your local Costco. After noshing, you can window shop, walking hand in hand. Consider going out for part of a meal, such as drinks and appetizers or dessert and coffee. This gives you the experience of dining out without the big bill. For the uber-frugal, pack a picnic to take to the park or prepare something elegant at home for a fraction of the price.

Choose an Economical Flick Every town has a bargain movie theater. Check it out. You may have to wait a little longer to see the new releases, but patience is a virtue in the current economy. Consider watching movies at home. Redbox rentals are a great budget-conscious alternative to higher priced movie rental stores. Better yet, your local library will loan you the movies for free! Plan a few weeks in advance to secure your preferred titles.

Good times should not be a thing of the past! Remember that it’s the time spent together, not the ticket price that matters most. Make time for one another — walk, talk, enjoy each other’s company and you will find you’re richer than you ever imagined.