Valen-Time All the Time
Written by Denise Morrison Yearian
Don’t Wait for Cupid’s Arrow. Work on a Healthy Marriage Everyday When Raising a Family.
Jennifer and Larry DiGuiseppe were married six years when a wave of troubled waters threatened their marriage, their family and their future. “After our second child was born, life became increasingly stressful,” explains Jen, mother of two, voice teacher and part-time performer. “We were lost in our own little worlds. I was busy with the children and Larry was going to work. We weren’t communicating and we weren’t connecting.”
“We are creatures of habit. Couples fall into the pattern of taking care of the kids, of putting the kids first, and their relationship ends up coming last in the day-to-day. But, by supporting each other, you’re putting the interest of the family ahead of the rest.”
When the DiGuiseppes realized what was happening, they sought marriage counseling to anchor their relationship and bridge the gap that had grown between them.
Marilyn Denn, Licensed Professional Counselor of Mental Health who specializes in marital counseling, finds that with more women working and children involved in a growing number of activities, mom and dad find themselves too tired at the end of the day—too tired to nurture each other.
Christine and Jam Fredlov of Costa Mesa found this to be the case with their marriage. Even for a couple with five of their six children no longer living at home, the responsibilities of parenthood, commitments to work and just the day-to-day can take up the majority of their time and energy. At the end of the day, Christine and Jam realized they needed to set aside time for each other and their relationship.
“Making time for just the two of us is the most important way to stay connected. There is always a function or school event but we still try to take the time each day to talk, even just to ask how the other’s day has been.”
One of the best ways the Fredlov’s found to connect is to make a date night. “We’re both busy but we try to set aside one night each week, and it makes a difference. Even if we’re just going grocery shopping, it’s having that time where you don’t have to give your attention to other people.”
Both Uram and Denn agree that one of the best ways to nurture a marriage is to have regularly scheduled date nights.
“If the family is so busy the couple can’t find time to get out, they need to schedule a date and mark it on the calendar just like they would a soccer game,” suggests Denn. “Line up a babysitter, enlist the help of family and plan to do something. The important thing is that you are free of the needs of your children and focusing on the two of you.”
The DiGuiseppes utilize this method but, since Larry works evenings, nights out are a challenge.
“We tend to find other times of the day to be together,” Jen continues. “Lots of times when the kids are in school, we come back to the house and have coffee and breakfast together. Sometimes we just lay on the hammock reading the newspaper.”
For couples that don’t want to spend the cash on a babysitter, there are other ways to make time without the kids. Enlist the help of family or friends. Establish a barter system—I’ll watch your kids twice this month if you’ll watch mine.
The DiGuiseppes have done this several times. “My friend is a single mother with two children the same ages as mine, so sometimes we’ll swap with her. I’ll take her kids if she wants to go out and vice versa. We’ve even done overnighters and the kids love it,” Jen says.
In addition to date nights, experts suggest daily connect time. Couples can become so bogged down with the details that their communication becomes limited to family matters and household requests.
To ensure a deeper emotional connection, Uram suggest that couples spend a few minutes each day sharing their thoughts and their feelings. “Couples need to be able to negotiate with each other and to be able to communicate on an honest level. Setting aside 5-10 minutes to talk to each other not about the kids is essential.”
Mat and Kym Forester of Cypress know the importance of this ‘couple time.’ With their two-and-a-half-year-old daughter keeping them busy, as well as two step daughters coming by every other weekend, the couple has plenty to occupy their time. On top of it all, Kym is pregnant!
They find their best talking comes while walking. Every night, they try to kick up some dust with an after-dinner walk, even if it’s just around the block. “It gives us that chance to catch up and connect a little bit.”
On a grander scale, the Foresters enjoy hiking local areas. They strap the little one on and head off together. Kym finds that having nothing to do but pace forward makes it easier to want to talk and open up.
Just getting out of their normal environment is a good way for couples to recharge. The Fredlovs find camping to be their shared passion. They don’t have to go far from home to enjoy their camper, though. “We take it down to Huntington Beach every once in a while to just get away. A few days without electronics really forces you to spend time together and connect. Other things—they will still be there tomorrow. You can push some things aside to be together for a while.”
Both experts suggest that if husbands and wives are too busy for couple time, they may need to reevaluate current commitments and give up something, if necessary, in order to nurture their marriage.
“Maintaining time for ‘us’ is a constant struggle,” concludes Jen. “We do our best to stay aware and keep a finger on the family pulse. But it’s worth it, because our family is worth it.”
Denise Yearian is the former editor of two parenting magazines and the mother of three children.
Resources: MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT BOOKS
A Couples Guide to Communication by John M. Gottman
Hot Monogamy by Patricia Love
Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World that Pulls You Apart by William J. Doherty
The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
Fighting for Your Marriage:Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, Suzanne L. Bloomberg
The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman
7 Keys to a healthy marriage
Although love, trust, honor and respect are foundational to a healthy marriage, experts suggest seven additional attributes to keep the love light burning strong.
1. Communicate Love Ask your mate what makes him feel truly loved and learn to speak his love language. The five love languages are physical touch such as hugs, kisses and gentle stroking; words of affirmation or caring; quality time together; acts of service you do for your partner; and gift giving. Every individual has a primary way they receive love and want to have it expressed. Realize, however, that your love language may be vastly different from your mate’s.
2. Daily Connections Spend at least ten minutes of undivided time talking with your spouse each day. Discuss the day—highs and lows, interesting antidote, something new or unusual that occurred—and eliminate distractions to ensure that you truly listen. Try to schedule this for a time when the children won’t be around and before you’re too drained of energy to put forth the effort.
3. Planned Dates Schedule dates with your mate once a week. Make a point to mark it on the calendar and to make it a priority. Discuss ideas together and arrive at a mutual decision. It can be as simple as a walk in the park or as extravagant as dinner and a show. Try to limit talk about the children and really focus on each other.
4. Pleasurable Pastimes Find a mutual activity or hobby you enjoy doing together. Think back to what you did together before you had children and see if those activities can work in your present relationship. Or try something new. If both parties have an open mind about the situation, you might find something new that you genuinely enjoy!
5. Conflict Management When disagreements occur, listen and reflect on what your partner is saying. You don’t have to agree with what your partner is saying but it is important to attempt to understand his perspective in order to work toward a compromise. If the conversation becomes heated, it might be beneficial to take a short break to cool down and engage in self-reflection. Past emotions may be influencing the situation and it may be helpful to explore those and share them with your partner.
6. Satisfying Intimacy Couples should communicate what they want and need with regard to intimacy. Remember, physical intimacy is spelled out in many ways, from snuggling in bed, to showering together, to actual intercourse. Talk about what pleases each of you and arrive at an agreement that works for both of you.
7. Laugh Often Humor is vital to the marriage relationship because it promotes bonding. Whether it’s little things in the moment or reflecting on the past, if both parties find it funny, embrace the positive energy.