Ask The Experts: Keeping Strong Family Ties, Sibling Jealousy and Holistic Healing

Last Updated on Wednesday, 02 June 2010 12:14

Editorial Departments

Making Time for Family Time

Dr. Corinne Rupert, PhD, PsyD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and psychoanalyst in private practice in Dana Point. www.danapointpsychotherapy.com.

Q (family): My family is feeling very stretched lately. I am often on business trips and my 7-year-old constantly has after-school activities. How can we reconnect as a family?

A: The typical American family is often stretched thin by too many external demands. And on top of work, school, sports, extracurricular activities, friends and our many other obligations, many families also are dealing with the stress of economic hardship. Families are faced with difficult choices—do I work more hours or go home to my family? How can I be “perfect” at work and at home?  Once we realize that we are setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves, we can start making big improvements and healing a disconnected family.  Reconnecting as a family begins with a willingness to tune in and have an honest discussion with ourselves and our partners. Try to take an objective, big picture look at your family unit. When you step back, you may see that each family member unwittingly plays a role in the disconnect everyone is feeling. A child may be struggling to find his or her own identity and to establish a separate life and sense of self. Another family member may not realize how emotionally unavailable they are. Parents may contribute to family breakdown by holding unspoken resentments. For many families, establishing a supportive dialogue with a trusted and experienced confidante, such as a family counselor, can be extremely helpful.

It’s important to remember that young children tend to follow their parents’ lead. How they are related to and how they see others engage with one another will shape their relationships with their family and their style of attachment, be it secure, avoidant or conflicted. Also, as a mother, you probably tend to be the emotional center of your family. When you’re gone or traveling on business, your children need to feel confident that mom’s love and support are still with them, and that you’re watching over them. Consistent check-ins and supportive family members can be helpful during the time when you’re not able to be with them in person

After coming home from a business trip, parents need to be especially sensitive to how they and their children are managing the return. If parents carry on with their busy lives and act like everything is fine again, or if they feel exhausted and spent, they may overlook their children’s feelings. Alternatively, some parents may return feeling guilty for being gone and over-indulge their children.

Depending on the behavior they see, children will tend to play to their parent’s reaction. For instance, they will pretend that everything is okay, even if they don’t feel that way, or they will learn that their parent feels bad and will expect gifts as a replacement for a personal connection. It is also very important that parents acknowledge any feelings of hate and hurt that their children may feel following their return

A reordering of personal priorities may be needed to help your family reconnect. I encourage you to commit to family dinners—without TV. This may feel awkward at first, but removing the distractions from your family dinner will help you focus on each other. Weekly one-on-one time with you and your partner can also help your child stay connected to both of you, as can giving your child choices about what activities to do as a family, as children feel a deeper sense of belonging when they are invested in the family’s decisions.  

Creating and maintaining strong family connections does not happen effortlessly. It requires ongoing awareness, dedication and an understanding that we are all are on a path of tremendous growth and maturity when we accept our role as parents. —Dr. Corinne Rupert

Antibiotic Alternatives

Dr. Nona Djavid, DC, is a chiropractic physician with a private practice in Newport Beach and the founder of the Wellness Choice Center and Women of Wellness. www.wellnesschoicecenter.com.

Q (children): My 4-year-old son has chronic ear infections and I hear recurrent intake of antibiotics can be harmful. I have heard of different alternatives, but not sure where to start. What are my options?

A: Chronic and recurring ear infections in children are one of the most common reasons for visiting pediatricians, so you’re not alone. 

Conventional medicine’s protocol for alleviating this condition involves prescribing repetitive doses of antibiotics.  Although this may sound like the logical solution, you’re right in that excessive antibiotics can lead to the weakening of the child’s immune system, build resistance against certain strands of bacteria, and make the child more susceptible to future recurring ear infections.
Prevention is always better than treatment. To build up your child’s immunity and prevent inflammatory diseases such as chronic ear infections from recurring, there are certain diet and lifestyle changes that can help.

Fruits and Veggies

Most fruits and vegetables contain immune-boosting substances. These phytonutrients such as vitamin C and A can not only strengthen the body’s self defense mechanism, but increase white blood cells and antibodies that block out viruses and bacteria.
Although a wide array of fruits and vegetables ensure proper nutrition, you may want to focus on orange and yellow colored fruits and vegetables as the source for these nutrients.  Yams, carrots, apricots, oranges and squash are great sources of vitamin C and A.  Of course, make sure they are eaten raw or at most lightly steamed.

Avoid Sugar and Dairy

In order for bacteria to grow, they need certain environmental factors to be ideal: a weak immune system, the perfect temperature, the right amount of inflammation, moisture and most importantly sugar. Eliminate all sorts of sugar from your child’s diet; these include corn syrup, sucrose, sweeteners, dextrose, dextrin, lactose and of course regular table sugar. Stay away from foods with artificial preservatives, flavoring or coloring as they can increase overall inflammation of the body and create that ideal environment for bacteria to grow.

Eliminating dairy products can also play a substantial role in minimizing inflammation and ear infections.  Lactose in milk is sugar, and therefore an inflammatory substance.  Milk, cheese and dairy-based products have a tendency to thicken mucus, which clogs up airways, ear canals and sinuses. Instead try soy milk, almond milk or rice milk.

Omega-3 Essential Fatty Acids

Good sources of natural anti-inflammatory substances are Omega-3 essential fatty acids.  These fatty acids can be found in oily fish such as salmon, as well as hemp seeds, flax seeds, chia seeds and walnuts.  Omega-3 fatty acids can also strengthen the immune system by increasing the number of white blood cells, enabling them to fight and destroy bacteria.

While antibiotics can be used sparingly to fend off certain bacterial infections that can lead to health complications, I recommend utilizing the tips in this article to strengthen your child’s immune system.  These healthier options will not only help your child fend of disease at an early age, but will make them resistant against disease and sickness throughout their lives.

Preventative measures are the safe, natural and side-effect-free form of health care.  Consult your pediatrician to see what alternatives you have to building a strong immune system. —Dr. Nona Djavid
 

Preventing a Green-eyed Toddler

Susan Kelsey is a licensed marriage and family therapist and registered play therapist supervisor in Costa Mesa. www.susankelseymft.com.

Q (toddler): We just had a new baby and my 3-year-old daughter is having a hard time transitioning into her big sister role.  She has been acting out and wants nothing to do with her little sister.  How can I help her get over these feelings?

A: Congratulations on the new addition to your family! Bringing home a newborn is quite an adjustment for everyone in the family—including new big brothers and big sisters.  Suddenly, Mommy’s attention is focused on someone else, she’s tired and she’s not as responsive to their needs as she used to be. Most children have some sort of reaction to this change in their family. 

Typical reactions you can expect from a 3-year-old include: little interest in (or even hostility toward) the new baby, regressive behaviors or behavioral problems. Regressive behaviors include thumb sucking, baby talk, sucking on a bottle or a pacifier and whining, to name a few.  Some children who were previously potty trained may begin wetting their pants as well. Behavior problems can include tantrums or defiance.  

Here’s a few tips on how you can settle down your stressed-out preschooler and get her back on track:
Don’t punish your child—she is showing a normal stress reaction for a preschooler.  Punishment will only make her behaviors worse and/or prolong them. Instead, when you notice these behaviors, see them as a clue that your preschooler is feeling stressed out and focus on ways to reduce their stress (cuddles, reading a book, etc.).

Ask close friends and family members who bring a gift for the baby if they’d be willing to bring a small “big sister” gift for your preschooler as well. Something that will keep her occupied while the attention is focused on the baby is best (such as coloring book and crayons, Play Doh, etc.).

Get a baby sitter occasionally and do something special with your preschooler without the baby in tow. If both Mommy and Daddy can be there, that’s even better.

Get your preschooler a baby doll complete with diapers, etc. so they can practice being a mommy or daddy, too.  Try to find one that can be put in water so your child can bathe it as well. Don’t be surprised if he or she acts aggressive towards the doll on occasion.  They may be acting out normal feelings of anger about the baby, and it’s much better for them to do that using a doll than the actual baby!

Don’t try to force the relationship between the preschooler and the baby.  Their relationship will unfold on its own.  You can, however, point out ways the preschooler can be a positive part of the baby’s life (i.e., “Look at that big smile she has when you make funny faces at her” or “She likes it when you give her gentle hugs”).

If your child is too rough with the baby (as most 3-year-olds are), focus on what she should be doing rather than what she shouldn’t be doing. In other words, instead of saying “Don’t squeeze the baby so hard,” say “Babies like nice gentle hugs like this… that’s just right!” Make it her job to teach visitors how to be gentle with the baby. Give her a cheap disposable camera and let her take pictures of the baby. After you have the pictures developed, get a scrapbook and let her paste the pictures into her own “Big Sister Book.”

With a lot of patience and a little creativity, your baby’s “Big Sister” will be adjusted to her new role before you know it.  If you feel that your child is having a particularly difficult time adjusting or her behavior worsens over time, find a family therapist in your area experienced with working with small children who can help. After all, it takes a village to raise a child. —Susan Kelsey