Ask The Experts on De-Stressing, Reversing Child Obesity and Minimizing Meltdowns
Written by Allison
Mommy Time
Linda Nusbaum is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Long Beach. www.lindanusbaum.com.
Q (Mom): I am a stay-at-home mom of a 2-year-old girl and 4-year-old boy. I am grateful for all the time I get to spend with my children, but some days I just need a break. I don't have the option of a weekend getaway or a lot of free time. Is there anything I can do in a short time to de-stress?
A: You sound like a caring and loving mother who recognizes that she needs time away from her parenting duties in order to take care of and nurture herself. Good for you. It's important to learn how to maintain a sense of balance in your life now, in order to sustain you through the coming years.
The first step is to understand that you are important. Just you. Not you as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend‚ just you.
Women are often taught to be givers. We learn how to be of service and we use this training as we grow into adults. We bring these characteristics into our own marriages and families. We give.
Unfortunately, not many of us were taught how to give to ourselves. In fact, sometimes the thought of doing something for "me" makes women feel selfish and guilty. So how do we change these deeply embedded feelings and learn how to treat ourselves well?
Take a look at your daily life and how you live it. Become aware of your patterns, and observe them. Are you putting your needs aside in every moment? Are you taking care of yourself physically? Do you exercise on a regular basis? Are you taking care of yourself emotionally? Are you spending time on the phone or in person with people who understand and nurture you? When you are with your partner, do you spend time together talking about something other than the kids? Are you rushing through the relationships with your extended family because of your daily duties?
Then, ask yourself these questions: could you give yourself permission to take 10 minutes alone to have a cup of tea? During that time, could you read a few pages of a book you are interested in? Could you say to yourself, "I am going to find 10 minutes just for me before my day gets away from me." A few hours later, could you say that to yourself again? Could you find a place to sit comfortably, close your eyes and just take a couple of deep breaths?
The way to de-stress is not to add more into your life. The way to build calm and balance is to take stock of you. Find time to do the things that make you happy. If you love to ride a bike, have someone watch your children for half an hour so you can do that for yourself. Not everything you do has to revolve around your kids. Find little things you can do for yourself that give you emotional nourishment. For example, why not:
- Write a letter to someone you love?
- Draw a picture with crayon, pencil or paint without feeling pressure to show it to anyone?
- Find a recipe for something you will love and cook it?
- Sit in the sun and close your eyes, getting a dose of vitamin D at the same time?
- Watch a "guilty pleasure" TV show?
When we give to ourselves, we feel better. Remembering that you are important can be one of the most satisfying things you do. Go ahead‚ try it! You deserve it. Linda Nusbaum
Help, My Child is Obese
Melanie R. Silverman, MS, RD, IBCLC, is a pediatric registered dietitian and lactation consultant in Laguna Beach and the owner of Feeding Philosophies. www.feedingphilosophies.com.
Q (Children): My pediatrician recently told me that my 6-year-old son is now considered overweight for his age because of his body mass index (BMI). I am at a loss on how to help him. Where do I start?
A: When I see overweight or obese families for the first time, I think it is important to explain the body mass index (BMI) and how to interpret the number. The BMI is a screening tool used to estimate a measure of body fat based on height and weight. BMI is plotted on a growth chart and classifies children as:
Underweight (less than the 5th percentile)
Normal (5th<85th percentile)
Overweight (85th<95th percentile)
Obese (‚â•95th percentile)
I'm guessing that your child fell between the 85th and <95th percentile for BMI. Your pediatrician calculated this number based on his current age, weight and height using the equation: BMI=weight (in kilograms)/ (meters)2.
When a child this age is diagnosed as overweight, low-calorie diets and intensive exercise regimens at a gym are not the answer. The ultimate goal is to halt further excessive weight gain and allow your child to grow taller into his weight. There are concrete steps you can take now to prevent further excessive weight gain in the future.
My first recommendation is to have set meal and snack times in your home. Constant access to food and drink for children is inappropriate. Schedule meal and snack times at least two and a half hours apart so your child knows that he will have food throughout the day. And when you serve meals and snacks, make sure they are delicious and nutritious. Each meal and snack should have a source of protein, carbohydrate, fat and fiber. An apple or banana is certainly a healthy snack, but may not satisfy a hungry 6 year old. If you pair the fruit with peanut butter or cheese, the snack becomes more satisfying and nutritious.
The second recommendation is to take a close look at what your child is drinking. I would eliminate all soda and sugar-based juice drinks from his diet. If your child enjoys juice, choose one that is labeled 100 percent fruit juice and give no more than four to six ounces per day. The rest of the liquids can come from water or milk.
The third recommendation is to limit television and video game time. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children have no more than one to two hours of screen time per day. In addition, take your son to the park or the beach frequently and enroll him in a sport that he has interest in. Children this age do best with others their age in athletics.
My final recommendation is not to take on the role of your child's own private nutritionist. Out of love, parents feel compelled to provide daily lectures about nutrition, especially to the overweight or obese child. Talking incessantly about nutrition to kids at this age is counterproductive and can be harmful. Set the rules for everyone in the household and end the discussion on nutrition for now.
The reality is your son is not alone in his diagnosis; one out of every three children ages 2 to 19 is overweight or obese in our country. Michelle Obama has taken childhood obesity up as her cause and launched a brilliant campaign called "Let's Move!" with high hopes to drastically reduce our childhood obesity rates within a generation. These recommendations I list mount a solid defense against excessive weight gain and will help normalize your son's BMI. Melanie R. Silverman
Taming Tantrums
Tracy Dand, a licensed marriage family therapist, specializes in infants, toddlers and young children. She provides therapy and consultation services in Costa Mesa. www.therapistfinder.com/therapists/tracydand.
Q (Toddler): Our 2-year-old daughter has recently started having meltdowns or, as many call them, temper tantrums. Is this just a phase we have to live through or is there something we can do to minimize these difficult experiences?
A: It's not uncommon for parents to encounter stubbornness, power struggles and temper tantrums when toddlers are somewhere between the ages of 18 months and 3 years of age. Temper tantrums are an indication that a child is having a hard time and parents are challenged to figure out how to better support their child. The good news is there are things parents can do to decrease these stressful interactions.
First, it helps to understand children's behavior in the context of overall emotional development. During this stage, toddlers experiment with powerful new feelings like curiosity and aggression. They have a growing sense of themselves and want to express their independence. They are developing new skills for conceptualizing the world and communicating, however, they're still learning to modulate strong emotions. They still feel dependent on you and crave nurturance, warmth and the security of your embrace and feel frustrated when they can't communicate adequately to get their needs met.
It is very important to provide a balance of three factors: nurturance, autonomy and limit setting. Children of all ages need nurturance and love. It is essential that toddlers receive enough holding, cuddling, warm interaction, empathy, understanding and relaxed playtime with their parents every day.
Next, they need to have some control of their world, to give expression to their independence, to take initiative. This can take the form of giving them some choices such as what toys to play with, what to wear, or which beverage they prefer. At this age it's best to give them just two options: "Do you want milk or juice?" If you can respect your child's growing sense of autonomy and allow them control in some areas, they will be much more willing to be cooperative in others.
The third factor is limit setting. Decide what areas are most important to you—not hurting anyone, respecting property, responding to authority, considering other's feelings and enforce these limits. Use a supportive, firm teaching approach adapted to your child's temperament. Remember toddlers are learning how to deal with emotions and need adult assistance sometimes to control their behavior.
Notice patterns regarding when your child is having tantrums and identify causative factors that you can actively address. Consider whether they are tired, sick, hungry or thirsty, hot or cold. Are there indications that they have any other physical discomfort? Make observations regarding time of day, locations and activities. Do they seem to be over responsive to touch, sound or visual sensations? This isn't always easy to sort out, but it is important to do so to figure out how to address specific contributing factors.
Meltdowns are common during transitions and there are things you can do to help your child get through them more successfully. Throughout the day, take time to tell your child about the schedule of activities, which helps them know what to expect. When they are doing something they enjoy, let them know when it will soon be time to stop. This allows them to emotionally prepare themselves. You may need to do this more than once; "Okay, just a few more minutes, but then we have to leave." Doing this can make a big difference. Empathize with your child's feelings and use words to describe the emotions they are feeling: "I know you really want to stay and play. I can see you feel sad and mad that we have to go now." Naming the feelings gives toddlers more sense of control over these powerful emotional energies. Soon they will learn to use words to tell you how they feel and in turn, if they feel understood by you, they are much less likely to act out their feelings through temper tantrums, aggressiveness, etc.
Monitor progress by tracking the frequency and duration of temper tantrums and your child's growing ability to express their feelings through words and pretend play. Sometimes problems are so complex that it is too much for parents to figure out and resolve on their own. If these recommendations don't result in satisfactory improvement, I encourage you to seek help from a professional with expertise in working with infants, toddlers and young children.‚ Tracy Dand