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I don’t want my son to play with toy guns, but I know he does it at his friend’s house. How can I ask the parents to discourage this?
The first step is to carefully consider the family’s household. How well do you know them? What kind of common ground do you share? Before you discuss what is or isn’t allowed at their house, turn it around. Meet in person without the children around and discuss what’s acceptable with their family when their child comes over to your house to play. Then, establish a common set of boundaries that you both agree with. And after that, acknowledge that there’s one more issue you hope they can help you with—playing with guns.
 Then, acknowledge that you are aware that this is your issue, not theirs. Be prepared to respond to an answer you don’t like…after all, it’s possible that the parents will not be willing to go along with your request.
You might frame the conversation this way:
"I don't think that I've ever shared with you that I am uncomfortable with Billy playing with guns. I know that it’s my issue…it’s just something that bothers me. I feel really uncomfortable bringing it up, but the boys have such fun playing together. I was hoping that you might be willing to put the guns away before we come over. I realize that I am asking a lot from you and your son. Maybe it is not even fair, but I wanted to see if there was a way to work this out. What do you think?"
Either way, it is important that you let her know that you are grateful for her willingness to listen, and that you value her response either way. If she is not agreeable, you need to respect her decision and move on to an alternative:
"Okay. I'm sorry this feels so awkward. I really appreciate your being willing to work on this with me. How would you feel about meeting at the park or for outings where it doesn't have to be a challenge for either of us? Would that be okay?"
If this is still not agreeable, you have learned that this is probably not a family where you will be able to model respecting one another and working through conflicts. And that in itself is a valuable lesson too! —Dr. Heather Browne
I keep tabs on my 12-year-old son’s online surfing. Recently, I was looking through our computer’s “history” and noticed some questionable sites. It turns out they were pornography. What’s the best way to talk to my son about this?
 Many parents have had or will have this experience with the integration of the Internet into their children’s lives.
According to research, the average age of first exposure to pornography is 8, and today kids can access pornography not only on the computer, but also on personal gaming and music devices.
When a parent finds that their child has accessed pornography, it’s important not to freak out. This “freaking out” shuts the lines of communication and shames the child, causing them to think they are a bad person.
In reality, a child’s curiosity about sexuality is normal and paired with the ease of sexual information, they are exposed most often before they go looking for it. The problem is that they are not mature enough to understand what they see.
Demystify the experience by normalizing their curiosity and how it might make them feel. Talk about the dangers associated with viewing pornography, including emotional shock and trauma, an increasing desire for more intense and potentially dangerous material, premature sexual experimentation, sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.
Research shows that prevention is key, and that parents who have “the talk” about pornography with their children reduce the chances their children will become addicted to it. Parents need to provide accurate information about sex, as kids are developmentally curious. Remember not to pour a pitcher-full of information into a teaspoon of inquiry. Kids will only ask for the information they need.
Instead of lecturing, parents can ask about the experiences and attitudes about pornography of their friends or classmates, as kids are more likely to provide information if it’s not personal. The key is to open the lines of communication and to keep them open.
- Create a plan of action with your child for when it happens, and focus on prevention. Some suggestions are:
- Buy a laptop computer that can be closed and put away
- Install Internet filtering software and learn to check your computer’s history
- Reconsider buying a cell phone for your child, but if you do,
choose one with no camera or Internet capability
- Frequently check your child’s electronic gadgets for inappropriate
material, personal photos or sexually explicit chats.
—Karen Child
I have a two-year-old daughter who bites. We were at a playdate the other day and her friend took away her favorite toy. My daughter, out of frustration, bit the other child on the face—right on the cheek! I was completely mortified. Why do some children bite? And what is the best way to discipline my child when the biting happens? How do I teach her it’s wrong?
An overwhelmed, tired, or over-stimulated toddler or young child may resort to biting when attempting to express anger or frustration. Physical demonstration of emotions, such as biting, hitting, and head-banging, is common when the child has not developed sufficient verbal skills to express disappointment with words. The child bites, not necessarily to injure another person, but uses this form of negative behavior more to gain attention.
 When a child bites, one recommendation is to quietly remove the child from the situation and minimize any attention received from the biting. This “cooling down” period reduces the risk of retaliation from another child, and allows the parent to gather emotions in a safe manner. Do not bite or hit the child in response—these actions will only reinforce that biting or hitting is an acceptable way to express emotion or gain attention.
Limit words spoken right afterward—even a harsh “No!” statement gives the child attention that he/she desires. If possible, place the child in a safe place and walk or turn away from the child. Another tactic is to over-emphasize the pain of the victim—“Poor Mommy” or “Let’s see if Mary was hurt”—with extra hugs or attention. These responses will teach the child that biting or other negative behaviors will not be rewarded.
Do make efforts to praise your child when behaving properly. Positive reinforcement can be more effective than only reacting when negative behaviors occur. Catching them being good can pay off long-term dividends and is more fun for parents and children alike. —Dr. Chris Koutures
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